so I've known I'm transfem for maybe 6 of my eighteen years
I've always struggled with identity. being unknowingly trans for most my life, i struggled so hard to define myself — the best i could do was scavenge for anywhere i could be part of the in-group. i often defined myself by just my skills and interests. and i passively hated my voice, passively hated my mannerisms and outward facing identity, and for almost all this time i didn’t know why! it's like i didn’t know there were alternatives, didn't realize i could stray a little from the path everyone expected of me. and yet, after all this time, it's like i was born a second time. realizing that i can mux all parts of myself, that if i desired i could entirely change my appearance and voice (even to something digital!) and not be running away from reality, but instead just be existing in an unconventional form. i can embrace all my unconventional forms, in person, online, in form and speech and action… and suddenly everything is beautiful. going from my brain having read-only permissions on the world to having full read-write access unbound by how anyone thinks i should define my life. i just wanted to thank you a lilian for doing a big part of the building of this awesome perspective on identity through nothing but your little vlogs which i strangely resonate with so much
